Star Warz Episode 6point4973674501 approx
by Dragon of Dispair
Summary: An extremely random retelling of Return of the Jedi. Rated for cussing and insults in some chapters. permanent hiatus
1. Prologue: A Long Rambing Introduction

This was originally supposed to be a disgustingly random stop motion movie. My friend Doctor Egon and I were working together. We got this partially written, and our favorite scene half filmed before we completely abandoned it. I found I the other day, and out of complete frustration with my other projects, decided to work on it--attempt to turn our half-done script into a finished narrative. You still have to imagine that you're watching it on a TV screen for a few of the jokes to work, but it works okay. So, one to the prologue...

(in order for this to work, you have to imagine the scrolly introduction at the begining of the star wars movies)777

Star Warz

Epizode 6.4973674501 (approx.), Stardate 00100

You Have Now Entered the Twilight Zone...

Finally dead Yoda iz. So to join the rebel armada, Lucaz George Sandcrawler has gone. When found then he did, waiting for him Princezz Llewellyn Organically-Grown and Hanz Duo were. Welcomed him, they did. Hiz help, they could uze. A new Death Star, the Emperor had conztructed. So a mizzion to deztroy it, being planned waz.

Wait...Yoda'z dead. Why in Hell are we still talking like him?

Annoying, it iz.

Much haz happened to our heroez. Lucaz discovered hiz parentage. Darth Valorie is hiz father. He waz devaztated. After a few yearz of sulking, he returned to hiz Jedi Mazter Yoda, who we, the directorz aren't mezzing with becauze he'z cool, and it waz too much trouble conzidering we aren't even showing him--pluz, he's scary when he'z ticked. he really iz. Didn't you see Star Warz Ep 3? The green dude iz maaajor badazz. Anyway, Yoda died--I think we covered that--and young Lucaz returned to the Rebellion, just az he waz needed. With perfect timing. Uncanny.

Trivia Question: When Han and Chewie fix the Falcon during flight in "The Empire Strikes Back", who is flying the ship?

But thiz story izn't really about the heroez, it'z about the storm trooperz, becauze you can alwayz find more heroez, but storm trooperz are in short suppy. Just walk into Toyz 'r Uz, you'll find plenty of Episode 4 Leiaz, but not one storm trooper. Do you know how hard it iz to make a movie without any storm trooperz to slaughter? So here'z a mezzage to all thoze overworked, underpaid, subject to the whimz of the sith lordz and directorz, "Stand up and fight for your rightz! Unionize! Prioritize! Strike!" ...Wait a minute, you're the onez with blazterz... "Deunionize! Unprioritize! And whatever you do, Don't Strike!"

Trivia Queztion Anzwer: Chewie'z Fleaz

But there are secret plotz afoot that are so daztardly, so evil, so subtle, so secret they may mean the end for our poor heroez. (Though az resident chaoz goddezz, I hope the heroez die.)

Now for our feature prezentation..a recitation of the fifty worzt sonnetz in human hiztory. Dot Dot Dot Dotz

777This is probably the only story I'll post before I've finished it, but i already know how it ends and have an out line so there's minimal risk of my mind throwing the story into the trash. That said...this is an unfinished work, so if anyone has any ideas or jokes they want to see written into upcoming chapters, I welcome them--even in-jokes might be included if I i like them enough.

Next scene is Endor Mission Briefing. This is one of the scenes Doctor Egon and I never finished writing, so i may be a bit before it comes out and ideas are more than welcome.

Also...there are four words in that entire prologue in which the letter "z" is used correctly. Digital brownies go to the first person who can tell them to me.

--Dragon of Dispair


	2. Scene One: Endor Mission Briefing

This is one of the chapters with cussing. you have been warned.

777

Endor Mission Briefing.

An X-wing star fighter zooms its way over a green screen for several seconds before the background is replaced by a wavering coral reef with several fish and bubbles trailing up behind. Strangely, this coral reef has a glass plate set in it that reads:

Fri

Apr 27

11: 40: 46

Sub-hunt music is heard. Even as the X-wing soars its way across the screen the time on the plate changes to read "11: 40: 47" then "11: 40: 48". In case no-one has guessed, this is someone's aquarium screen saver. As the X-wing finally makes it to the right of the screen and begins its exit out of the camera, the aquarium vanishes and becomes a proper star-field--even if that star-field is obviously multi-colored sequins glued to a piece of black paper. The X-wing exits the view.

Sub hunt music continues to play when the scene changes. The star-field is again visible, but this time in front of it is a brown paper lunch bag that has had the words "Space Station Hanger" written in blue sharpie on the side is in the foreground. The camera zooms out until the tile kitchen floor is visible around the star-field, then zooms back in until the brown bags is only partially visible. The blue sharpie label now reads "Space Stati Hanger", but that's okay.

The X-wing re-enters the camera view and makes its way into the Space Station Hanger without mishap. The screen goes black and the sub-hunt music ceases.

Camera pans around a room. There are several humans dressed in X-wing flight gear and a giant cardboard cutout of a goldfish arranged around a coffee table (complete with Starbucks coffee cups in front of each person, including the goldfish). As the camera continues to pan, two things become apparent--one, Princess Llewellyn Organically-Grown and Hans Duo are waiting by a pair of french doors (Hans flips off the camera) and, second, this "room" is the back patio of someone's house, as the french doors are obviously seen from the outside.

The french doors open, and our hero, Lucas George Sandcrawler walks through followed by a slightly grainy, pixel-ish R2-D2. He is greeted by Princess Llewellyn and then, less enthusiastically, by Hans. Someone clears his throat and the three of them take seats around the coffee table. More Starbucks cups are pulled out from under the table and handed to the three heros. Hans makes a face at his caramel frapachino. The pixel-ish R2-D2 positions himself so that he is visible in the camera angle.

"The Death Star," the voice that of a girls trying to sound like a man speaking under water and no one's mouth moves, though, the way the camera centers on the goldfish cutout hints an attempt to indicate the goldfish is the one speaking, "is surrounded by an energy field that prevents us from just blowing it up, like we did the last Death Star. Of coarse, if it was going to be that simple, a third movie wouldn't have been made. So since it's not that simple, Princess Llewellyn, Hans Duo and Lucas Sandcrawler will go to the surface of Endor and disable the shield. Yes, Lucas."

Lucas speaks with his hand still in the air. "What if I don't want to go?"

"Lucas, you have to go."

"But if I go on this mission, Darth Valerie will sense my presence, which will ruin the element of surprise and allow him to set a trap for us, then I'll be hauled up to the Death Star to confront the Emperor himself and even if I win that, I'll probably still be on the Death Star when it's blown up."

All the extra X-wing pilots laugh at him--in fact, the only people not laughing are Lucas himself and the goldfish, who is saying, "That's the point Lucas. You don't have a choice because without all that, there really isn't a point. The fleet will..." The rest of the goldfish's speech is said at a volume barely above human perception.

You, the viewer, realize this is because the goldfish is no longer of any importance when R2 begins beep-and-whistleing. The droid's electronic rant continues for a full minute of beeping and tooting. Fortunatly for you, subtitle float in midair at the bottom of the camera view and read:

Here we stand cockbites

we go now to kill (this word is a krazy red subtitle font) that snizno Emperor

and his jizz rag Death Star

But little do you stupid clueless Rebels know, that when

you strike him down, a foe more powerful

than you can possibly imagine will arise...

ME!

Lucas interrupts the rant, "Did you say something, Artoo?"

A negatory beep is accompanied by the subtitle: No

The room is replaced by forest from above the trees. An R2 beep in heard with the subtitle: Sucker

This tranquil overlook of a forest simply sits there until you, the viewer, begins to wonder "what the hell is this for?". Then a ship comes from behind the camera and starts across this tranquil scene. the ship is odd to look at--for a space ship, that is. If this were a movie about bass fishing, the little speed boat wouldn't be at all out of place. Assuming, of coarse, that in said hypothetical bass fishing movie the boat is sitting on the water, not flying through the air over the forest of a presumably alien planet.

Slowly the ship flies across the sky and disappears under the tree line. An explosion is seen (and heard) from the place where it disappeared. Fade to black.

777

Congrats and digital brownies to lets just call me for recognizing the four correct z's. the z's were just for the prologue and just for fun. They're because when Doctor Egon and I decided to call this 'Star Warz' instead of 'Star Wars' we decided to replace a lot of the s's with z's. So s's in the middle or end of words became z's and s's at the begining of words stayed s's. And yeah, I probably missed some, but I'm not bothered enough to care.

And thanks to Super Tinfoil Man Part 2. It's supposed to be confusing.

Next Part:

Endor. Another scene that never got completly written. This one will probably take longer.

--Dragon of Dispair


	3. Scene Two: Endor Part One

Warnings for this chapter include cussing and confusion.

777

Endor part 1

Our intrepid heroes (who I'm sure don't require a second introduction) all pull themselves from the wreckage of their speed boat. All of them have bright orange life jackets which they begin removing with a degree of enthusiasm and distain for the safety gear usually expressed by high school students. The fact that our heroes are being played by high school students has absolutely nothing to do with this. Except the dog.

An electronic squeal with no obvious source is heard (translated in subtitles for your viewing pleasure as "Get this fucking orange jizz rag off of me you neolithic morons!") and all of the heroes look over at a small bright pink flag stuck into the ground nearby. The dog barks.

"Here Artoo, I'll help you out of that." Lucas steps forward and begins an awkward pantomime over the flag which could be anything from helping Artoo out of his bright orange life jacket to cooking hot dogs on a short barbecue. And, even though some whacked out charade of hot dog cooking isn't out of the question considering the randomness of this "movie", it's probably best to assume he's helping Artoo until proven otherwise. Behind him, Hans Duo Princess Llewellyn and someone dressed in cheap C-3PO costume are suppressing outright laughter at Lucas's "helping" thin air. Someone behind the camera isn't so restrained.

When the last snicker dies away, everyone takes the time to look at the surrounding forest and figure out where they are. Artoo blinks into existence over the pink flag as they do so. They are surrounded by trees and obviously lost in the deep woods, far from any hint of civilization. There's a swing set visible behind the last line of trees.

There's also several people in white, poorly hidden behind several trees that our heroes are ignoring because they haven't sprung their ultra sneaky ambush yet. Of coarse, as soon as that is read by you the viewer, the stormtroopers attack. Not much effort has been put into making them all (all four of them) look like storm troopers--they're dressed in white and have a paper stormtroooper mask, that's it. The bright green and pink super-soakers standing in for blasters certainly look dangerous though.

Apparently the heroes thinks so too. Hans yells "Wookie! Get him!" and the dog obeys the command, running up to one of the stormtroopers and drooling on him. Or her. It's hard to tell. Lucas jumps forward to engage a 'trooper with a foam pirate's sword. Everyone else begins shooting water from water pistols. What follows is a scene of massive confusion sometimes referred to as a sci-fi action scene, and other times simply as a water fight.

At one point one stormtrooper runs off to the side of the battle where there is a pile of bicycles under a tree, grabs one and rides off. He (or she) is followed by Princess Llewellyn. From behind the camera the solid "smack" sound announces the death of the last storm trooper and all of the remaining humans, and the dog, run up to stare in the direction the princess disappeared in. After long seconds of staring at the back of their head, you the viewer realize that's probably the last you'll see of the bike chase.

777

hi. this scene is not finished. but it has been so bitchy to write that i'm posting it anyway--with a request: if any reader has any suggestions for dialogue for this fight scene or the ewok party later, or any random jokes to that can be included in the bike chase, please tell me. i'm drawing a blank for those and i want to finish endor part 1 before i begin on endor part 2.

Dragon of Dispair


End file.
